First Date Nightmares...

I am sure that practically everyone out there has had a first date at some point in their life. I'm looking for people to share their first date nightmares. I will start with my own.

I met someone online (of course) and everything about him screamed that he was a sad person. His profile was so depressing, but talking to him it was quite obvious that he was quite the opposite. So I went to his house to pick him up for the date. Ordinarily you'd think that would be part of the nightmare, but I am a woman of the 21st century, to me there's no rules about that sort of thing. The nightmare began when I showed up on his doorstep... allow me to paint this picture:
His jeans were dirty, dark denim and they were way too long for him so the edges were tattered around his feet due to him dragging them on the ground when he walked. He had no shoes on. His shirt was dirty. He was sweating profusely. There was an overflowing ashtray at the doorstep. (It belonged to his mother!) There was an overwhelming stench coming from inside the house...the overwhelming smell of urine! As I stepped into the house (don't ask me why) he said to me, watch out there's bananas smashed into the carpet. The house was totally dark except for the TV so I couldn't see a banana if I tried. Let's just say I lied through my damn teeth, turned around and walked out! Good times!

So now it's your turn...share your nightmares! If you care to remain anonymous feel free to message me your story and I will share it for you.

Enjoy!

See that line right there...you just crossed it!

The following is the evolution of a conversation I had this morning with, I guess, a potential suitor. Well, at the time it was potential but it soured really quickly. And really thinking back on the conversation, 'potential' was used generously. What I have also been able to confirm is that being direct with someone really is the ONLY way to go...beating around the bush is ridiculous!

Here is the back ground... I have an app on my phone that makes my status on the site appear that I am 'online' even if I am not.

The conversation was as follows (verbatim):

Him: Hello..why you up so late..Rxxxxx (12:07 am)
Me: Nope not up late...the app on my phone was the one awake. :) (8:27 am)

• Allow me to interject here with this - I try not to be rude to anyone that would take the time and energy to say hello...except for those occasions where they are beyond offensive to my senses!

Him: Well good morning to you...its not so bad here today is it...I'm Rxxxxx
Me: Good morning...nope not bad at all. I'm Amanda. Where are you located?

• I asked this of him because his profile says he's in Oregon. He's way too far away from me.

Him: I'm here in Fresno loading for now...then I take this juice to Fontana and straight back k up here...my phone services are from Oregon but I spend a majority of my time here in California...glad to meet you Amanda.

• So now I have basically already concluded that this will be going no further. I am not looking to find someone that isn't local. I don't want a once a week/month kind of relationship.

Me: Nice to meet you as well. It's nice in the morning but it's going to get hot later. Oregon is beautiful.

•  See...I'm already being too damn nice! I should have nipped this one in the bud but nooooo I'm accommodating this conversation way beyond where it should go!

Him: I got tired of living and being alone so I give up my apartment and decided to do this...can't tell you how many times I've spent days in Visalia at the target...I'm sure you know where that is

•  First, I am assuming he meant that he was tired of living alone and not just that he was tired of living! Also, creepy to think that the next time I go to Target this guy could be there spending his days!

 Me: Yep. I do. Visalia isn't that big.
Him: No it's not...you still single on this site...

• The conversation changes are coming too quickly for me...it's starting to get on my nerves!

Me: I am. Do you run across many women on here that aren't single? (ugh! why do I encourage conversation?)
Him: I don't get many looking at my profile...i always have to Search nd notify...and haven't met any but I'm sure there are some that like men as well aren't so up front and honest...and bye the way I'll be headed back that way...are you a coffee drinker

• Hello...non sequitur anyone? And...thanks for the warning that you're 'headed back that way'! I'll be sure to avoid Target!

Me: (time to break it down now!) I do drink coffee, typically only in the morning. I get a lot looking at my profile just none really meeting my needs. It's ok though, I just keep looking.

•  Personally I think that was obvious enough to say and you aren't one of those that met my needs move on...but noooooo! He's about to enlighten me!

Him: Needs are what...people have to understand looking and searching is always going to be hard if they are too set in their ways...I drive a truck but I'm not part of the stereo typing that I get a lot of.

• Allow me to translate... I believe he's saying if you're too set in your ways you're going to have a hard time finding someone new. And I think he's saying that people have stereotypes about truck drivers but that's not him.

Me: (now I'm a bit more irked because I don't like being told what I do and don't want/need etc - I know me better than anyone else!) I'm ok with my needs. My daughter is my first priority so if someone doesn't meed a certain standard they can't be brought into my life. It's really that simple. (i.e. Fuck you and fuck off!)
Him: That's the way its suppose to be...i have boys...have to accept the kids more then the woman lol...

• I don't fucking know what his response means!

Me: Makes sense :) (yeah so that was a lie, but really me saying Shut the fuck up would just be rude!)
Him: (and begin creepy now...)I see you live in an apartment...at least from the pictures...what you doing today...let me guess shopping and anything but working...lol

• How do you spell it...C R E E P Y!!!
• The line about shopping made me want to choke the fucking life out of him. What kind of prick asshole says something so condescending like that?? AND to use poor grammar to do so!!

Me: I don't live in an apartment and I am working today.
Him: Sorry they look like apartments...I was trying to be observative...which a lady should like..its being taken notice of... lol

• Listen...I can only tolerate so much chauvinism. I am unable at this point to tell if his intent is to sound like a total fucking douche or if he's just an oblivious little man when it comes to women. I should be thrilled that he was observative about where he thinks I live? I suppose that if he just showed up at my door I should welcome him in too because well he did take time out of his days at Target to visit me.

Me: Those are apartments they're just across the street, not mine. (Hello - it's obvious in the pictures that there's a road in between me and the apartments!)
Him: I bet you haven't even looked at my pics...have you...lol (are we playing a game? ugh why didn't I end this conversation before it started!)
Me: I looked at your entire profile. I'm sorry but I have a meeting starting and I have to focus. (only slightly less direct than I should have been at the get go!)
Him: OK...have fun...if your interested chat back when you have time...be good and always smile (fuck off!)
Him: Would you like my number (fuck no!)
Me: No, but thank you.

And END SCENE!

Are you serious with your craziness? Note to self...when you see crazy coming, cut that shit off immediately!

So, now I'm racist?

I'm not 100% sure how that works...I say no thank you and his immediate response is to label it because of his skin color.

Conversation is as follows:

Him: Hi my name is XXXXXX I like to get to know you better and take you on a take let me know.
Me: I appreciate the offer but I will have to decline. Thank you.
Him: Whiy (sic) cause I am black

Clearly I did not respond further but come on...that's the go to? No the reason I CHOOSE to decline your offer is that I don't feel we would be a good match. What's my reasoning (not that I EVER need one)? Well let's take a peek at his profile and identify the items in the 'No' column.

No
He's 48. I am not like other women that find much older men attractive. I am not looking to hook up with someone 13 years older than me.
He's a Baptist...it's not the Baptist part, it's the religion part - I'm out!
His horrible grammar, spelling and egregious use of the caps lock in his profile.

1. I LIKE TO TRAVEL AND ENJOY LIFE 2. AND LIKE TO GO FISH AND TO THE MOVIE 3. I LIKE TO LISTEN TO R N B MUSIC AND FIND ME A WIFE 4. I AM EASY TO GET ALONE WITH LIKE TO HAVE FUN TOO 5. MY GOAL IS TO BE HAPPY AND ENJOY LIFE.

I LIKE TO TAKE U TO A NICE DINNER AND TALK AND GO DANCE

The only positive things I got from his profile were that he likes to make lists (regardless that it's a poorly created list) and he wants to be happy & enjoy life. I'm sorry but these positives aren't enough to warrant further attention from me... call me picky but if my mind shuts down while reading a small paragraph about you, there's something between us that just won't work. Seriously though, who can resist "FIND ME A WIFE"? I can!

So no sir, it has nothing to do with you being black, white or alien...it has to do with my inability to intentionally suffer!

The lying liar who lies!

As I write this I am in the midst of ditching this lying liar who lies and below I will tell you why...

So he seems nice enough. Self described as a Southern gentleman, come on who doesn't like a gentleman Southern or not! After nearly two weeks of texting and talking on the phone we finally meet. He ended up leaving his phone at my house one day and I checked his texts (more on why later). What did I come across? Text messages between him and his "ex". The topic of the text messages were sexual, including pictures and plans for hooking up...OH and the text messages happened during the time we were having our own texting conversations and making plans to meet up. Some of the messages with his "ex" even included her questioning him about what he was telling the new women he was meeting about whether he was divorced or not... yeah that's right, he's NOT divorced as he says he is, he's separated and by separated apparently based on these text messages not separated very by very much! In one particular text they had a discussion of her coming over to his house for a hook up (a very graphic description was included)...the day of their planned hook up he told me "the ex is coming over to drop off her dogs so that I can watch them while she's out of town, but she won't be here very long" (the little snippet there at the end is the first red flag that popped up). In addition to the texts with his "ex" he also mentioned her visit with him to his father (stay classy!)

So I thought about what I had read and I was sick to my stomach all morning. Then I asked him a few questions...
Me: when was your divorce finalized? (remember he says he's divorced)
Him: It's not final yet but it will be soon (Lie).

Me: when was the last time you were with your "ex"? (told me he was divorced almost a year ago)
Him: sexually? it's been months (LIE)...

Him: Baby (ugh!) where are all these questions coming from?
Me: Seems odd to me that after 12 years of marriage you're so quick to be done and moved on (he's already told me he loves me *shudder*)
Me:  What I am saying is that if you're with me, then you're not with anyone else.
Him: Baby. I am yours. I am completely and totally yours. I have not and will not be with anyone other than you.  I assume I will recieve the same level of devotion? (WTF? Who says that?) Baby (grr) I was checked out of the marriage for a while now, for the first time in my life, I'm ready to live my life fully (Lying Liar Who LIES!) Baby (internal vomit!) "Just have faith in me that when I show/tell you how you make me feel, that it is genuine. Frivolity and asskissing aren't really things that I value very highly. When I tell you I love you... its because I feel it and I want to say it. If i tell you that I think you are amazingly beautiful, believe it because I would not lie. <3" (LIES LIES LIES)
Me: Because if you lie to me...I won't even bother cutting you, it's just over. I don't go back!
Him: I don't lie. (OBVIOUSLY a lie!)
Me: I have a fabulous BS meter...I can tell when people are lying. (Notice how many fucking times I give this moron a chance to come clean??)
Him:  My integrity is paramount to me! (Fuck You!)

So men, the moral of the story is..don't fucking lie, 9 times out of 10 it's usually worse than what you're lying about!

Back to the part where I was going to explain why I was looking at his phone. He told me 2 things that gave me red flags nearly instantaneously! 1. When he told me the "ex" was coming over he said (unprompted) she's not staying long. (Um?) 2. When he sent me an IM asking me to turn his phone off so it won't "bother me" while I am working because it rings a lot. All sounds so deceptive!

This was a dating fail ....perhaps there will be a win some time soon?

Telling it like it is...

It's not common that I find a dating profile that stands out with content. Typically men say the same thing over and over again (and yes I am sure women do the same thing). Tonight however I came across a profile that really knocked my socks off...not because the guy was something incredible, far from it, it was because the guy was about as out there as you can be...I am going to post his profile verbatim, you've been warned! ID: maximuswarmack4523 Headline: "isn't a Pimp Mr Right for a Hooker" (yes, that's actually what it said) Profession: Counselor/Teacher About Me: "I am a Polygamist, as most men are, the only difference is that I am Completely Honest, the only people I lie to are my Parents and the police, lying makes me feel like a coward... (I am not sure how he's justified his contradiction here) I am the type of guy that will hold the door for any woman, regardless of age or attractiveness. I am rather dominating, but real low key unless I'm in the comfort of family and close friends...I am well read, intelligent and can speak with business associates in a meeting room or in an alley counseling thugs in their venacular...I am well rounded being from the streets but educated, hard working and quite sincere. I don't do the jiving with anyone. I love people, animals and especially children. I'm generally positive and outgoing but have NO problem putting someone in their place. I come from a poor background but do not consider myself one of the 99 percent. I am opening my own business, writing a book and coaching high school sports. I can cook and clean as well as any woman, but am all man, believe in taking care of those that take care of me, making it a mutually beneficial thing has enhanced all of my relationships which have been maintained from my early youth to today. I don't lose real friends and am mostly corial with most of my exes and there are a lot of them. I don't have time for negative people, especially women. I love beautiful eyes, smiles and outgoing personalities. I love to laugh and can usually find humor at a funeral. I love God and people who fear and believe in him... I declared myself a polygamist over 15 years ago and have exclusively dated bisexual women for the past 15 years. I have dated women of all races, ethnicities, socio-economis status, political and religious backgrounds. I do love dark hair, legs and pretty feet. I don't like a bunch of make-up. I love natural beauty. My fiance pictured is bisexual female who lived as a lesbian for over 10 years, this is my first committed relationship and I would never cheat so don't ask. We are now engaged and expecting a baby in a few months, we seek someone to start off as friends first to see if a chemistry can be built, we are not looking for anything casual...I have had enough sex to last several men, several lifetimes and am only seeking a sincere relationship, not looking to be one of your side shows. so no married, involved or engaged women looking to play out a fantasy." Anyone else confused by this ENTIRE profile and all it's contradictions!? He lives in San Jose so parents be aware!!!

Attack of the texting dater...

Men, please be serious when you write a dating profile. Grammar and spelling don't have to be perfect (who remembers all of the rules anyway) but come on let's try to get it as close as humanly possible. Don't replace letters with numbers and don't type using text speak. It only serves to make you look unintelligent!

Below is an example I came across tonight:

i like 2 g02 m0vies, play cards, read b00ks, hang 0ut with family and friends. i like all kinds of music. i want a lady that d0sent cheat i hate 2 be cheated 0n i d0nt cheat. i like 2 g0 hiking, play in the 0cean. i want a lady that likes 2 have and g0 0ut 0r likes 2 have a quit eveing at h0me.

There’s direct and then there’s ‘smack you in the face’! (NSFW)

There’s direct and then there’s ‘smack you in the face’! (NSFW)

Often times I get very direct men contacting me, sometimes I get passive men and then there are the times when I get ‘smack you in the face direct’ men!

Case in point, today I was contacted by “Muffdiver6988” (I will have to do another post on the ID’s these men choose another time!). These are the messages Mr. Muffdiver has sent to me – I have not responded to any of them! (Of course the spelling and grammar mistakes are all his!):

• Day 1 “Good morning gorgious would yoy like to chat I love a woman with meat on her bones more fir me to snuggle and cuddle with if you would like to chat let me know”
• Day 2 (the very next day) “Would you like to chat and get to know each other to see how it goes”
• Day 3 (3 days later) “Hello sexy goddess would you like to chat and,see how it goes”

So you’re probably thinking that he’s just trying to be nice and maybe he is really trying to get to know you. Typically the grammar and spelling would make me run, but in his case it’s not too bad, compared to what I normally see. What really makes me cringe is his profile … let’s get into it shall we?

His reason for being on this dating site: Intimate Encounter (strike 1!)

His interests: friends with benefits then maybe sex sex sex (strike 2!)

His description of himself and what he likes: “my hobbies are any thing out doors sports, i also love older women and bbw I also enjoy giveing sensual full body massages. 5ft 7 shaved bald head 15 tats both nipples peirced 2 rings in each ear i really love eating women out too if interested i would love to hear from all you sexy women” … And there you have it! Strike 3, you’re out! 

Men, what is wrong with you? Why do you present yourself like this? Women, generally, don’t like to be slapped in the face with raunchiness! Now if you’re in a relationship with a woman and you’re discussing mutual desires, by all means, lay out your wishes. But not in the very first paragraph that is introducing you to a woman. I’d like to add, don’t write your profile as though you’re talking to multiple women, and write it as though you’re only talking to one. It gives the impression that you’re just out there to get whatever comes along … which I suppose in this example, he probably is!