The 4th Date

The following is a guest posting by { Sabine }.


After one good lunch date and two great dinner dates with a guy I agreed to a movie night over at his place.
The night started out right. He let me pick out the movie, made sure I was comfortable and was nothing but sweet and considerate. As soon as we settled in and started the movie his phone rang. It was his ex calling and he said it was about time to say goodnight to his son, no problem. He took the call and came back a few minutes later. I asked how his son was and before he could answer his phone went off again. It was his ex. Her picture and name showed up on his phone, he didn't try to hide it or anything, hit decline and we went on watching the movie. Then it rang again, and again, and again. He excused himself and took the next call in the kitchen. Roughly 5 minutes later he came back and said "sorry, hopefully she won't call back". I say "no problem, do you need to turn your phone off?", just a tad bit annoyed at this point. He says no and we continue to watch the movie.

Within 2 minutes his phone goes off again. He hits decline several more times then decides to take one of the incessant calls and gives me the shush sign. I hear her yelling, can't make out what she is saying but he keeps repeating "who would be over here?, why would you even say that?". I look at him like he has just lost his mind, get up and use the restroom. When I get back he doesn't get a second to try and apologize before the phone rings again. He answers his phone and says "hold on a sec" to the "ex" that was calling yet again and turned to me to say "can you grab your purse and coat and go in the kitchen? She just Facetimed me, I am going to show her the room, she doesn't believe I am alone". Now, I would love to say I said "sure, no problem" with a big smile on my face and then said quite loudly "when are you coming back to bed baby" as I walked out the door and he continued his call...but the reality is I had a dumbfounded look on my face, said nothing, grabbed my things off the chair next to the couch and walked through the kitchen and out the side door. I got into my car and drove home trying to figure out WTF just happened.
Yes, he called a few minutes later and sent texts asking where I went...decline, decline. Ignore, Ignore.

{Sabine}

I'm bored so you must call me!

Verbatim conversation from tonight:

Him: Hello
Me: Hello there
Him: How are you tonight
Me: Quite well. How are you?
Him: Great thanks
Me: :)
Him: Wat r you up to tonight
Me: Well, it's kind of late so I'm in bed watching TV. You?
Him: same. Bored. I live in Visalia too.
Me: Yeah I really like it here.
Him: I am bored
Me: Ok
Him: Call me 559 xxx-xxxx
Me: Thank you but no
Him: Fine be bored

Really? This is the absolute first time I've ever said anything to this person and in less than 5 minutes he's giving me his number to call him?? Lunacy!

And what's with the 'fine be bored' crap?!

Totally based on feedback...

I've been seeing comments about always finding the worst men and that I sound like I hate men. I wanted to say I hear what you're saying and I think a bit more information is in order to show the entire picture.

I do not hate men. What I hate is lazy, obnoxious, arrogant or lame jerks. Those are the ones I choose to profile on this blog because it's way more interesting than the calm quiet times I have with someone funny at Applebee's (yes, that actually happened and I had a marvelous time and I still enjoy this person today). I love men. I enjoy the conversations I've had, any intimate contact I've had. I've learned a lot about being a woman, about being an adult, about being a friend, about being sexual from some really fantastic men.

I've been able to learn so much about myself in the past 5 years of being single all thanks to my own determination and some amazing guys I've met along the way. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm thriving in my 30s because of it.

With that said, I do come across men that need serious help in life, love and overall as a human. Granted I never once thought my blog would be able to help these men directly but I kind of felt if I got that vibe into the universe it would eventually trickle to those that need it the most. So while they come off has really bad folks, they really just need help and this is the only way I can think of to get them the help they need. Really altruistic right? At the base of the blog, that's what I hope for, but of course my sarcasm takes over and I really just let it out there!

So that's it for tonight, I just wanted to make sure people knew that yes, I've met some incredible men and yes I love men. I just profile the looniest of the ones I come across.

Get YOUR life in order BEFORE you try to engage MY life!

Recently I've met a few interesting people through my online dating escapades. (Escapades? Not sure why I chose that term, it makes me feel as though I should have on ice skates!)

Two of the people I've met had common threads -- multiple children and a crazy ex! I do not have a problem dating someone that has kids as long as they're a responsible parent that has focus on their kids. I actually quite like that. I don't even mind if their ex is crazy. It starts to derail when your ex still plays an active role in your life in a capacity unrelated to the children you share.

Case in point: I recently started talking to someone that seemed interesting in the beginning but the more I talked to him the more I could see the impending doom from his ex.

1. He was very insecure in conversation and stated that his ex used to hit him and tell him he was worthless. I can be a very motivating person but I don't think I'm capable of rebuilding the self esteem of a grown man. He also has severe self esteem issues when it comes to his appearance. If you can't see it in yourself then it's not likely someone else will be able to see it for you!
2. He said that his ex was a "crack whore". Yes, those are his exact words. He told me that he has 3 children and the youngest was 9 months old. He said that she had the baby after they separated and that it was likely a child by her drug dealer. I know what you're thinking, Amanda this is a MASSIVE red flag and you should have ran at that moment. Here is my logic...I thought well perhaps he's just taking total responsibility for keeping all of the siblings together and since she has no parental control it's OK because she can't be bothersome! See...that's extremely logical!

OK can you see where this is leading? This next part REALLY triggered the holy hell signal for me.
I got a text from him that said "Did you talk to my ex today?" ...after literally laughing out loud, I replied with, why the hell would I? He asked me if I got phone calls from an Unknown or Blocked number. Well yes I did, 4 of them, back to back earlier in the day. He proceeded to tell me that his ex broke into his house, got his phone and started interrogating him about who he was talking to, his online dating profile, she got my number and then started calling him and harassing him at work. And there you have it...she's CRAZY and she's got too much involvement in his life.

After he told me about all this drama, he asked when we'd be able to meet. *Do What Now?* I told him that I wasn't about to give him any other identifiers that his ex could possibly get her mitts on! The last thing I need is some loony chick breaking into my house or coming near my child.

Thankfully he understood where I was coming from on this topic because he actually told me he was going to cut off conversation with me so that she wouldn't be able to get near me.

Clearly the lesson is, if your ex is crazy and all up in your life then you're not actually free to be with other people. Get your shit in order before you involve other folks!

First Date Nightmares...

I am sure that practically everyone out there has had a first date at some point in their life. I'm looking for people to share their first date nightmares. I will start with my own.

I met someone online (of course) and everything about him screamed that he was a sad person. His profile was so depressing, but talking to him it was quite obvious that he was quite the opposite. So I went to his house to pick him up for the date. Ordinarily you'd think that would be part of the nightmare, but I am a woman of the 21st century, to me there's no rules about that sort of thing. The nightmare began when I showed up on his doorstep... allow me to paint this picture:
His jeans were dirty, dark denim and they were way too long for him so the edges were tattered around his feet due to him dragging them on the ground when he walked. He had no shoes on. His shirt was dirty. He was sweating profusely. There was an overflowing ashtray at the doorstep. (It belonged to his mother!) There was an overwhelming stench coming from inside the house...the overwhelming smell of urine! As I stepped into the house (don't ask me why) he said to me, watch out there's bananas smashed into the carpet. The house was totally dark except for the TV so I couldn't see a banana if I tried. Let's just say I lied through my damn teeth, turned around and walked out! Good times!

So now it's your turn...share your nightmares! If you care to remain anonymous feel free to message me your story and I will share it for you.

Enjoy!

See that line right there...you just crossed it!

The following is the evolution of a conversation I had this morning with, I guess, a potential suitor. Well, at the time it was potential but it soured really quickly. And really thinking back on the conversation, 'potential' was used generously. What I have also been able to confirm is that being direct with someone really is the ONLY way to go...beating around the bush is ridiculous!

Here is the back ground... I have an app on my phone that makes my status on the site appear that I am 'online' even if I am not.

The conversation was as follows (verbatim):

Him: Hello..why you up so late..Rxxxxx (12:07 am)
Me: Nope not up late...the app on my phone was the one awake. :) (8:27 am)

• Allow me to interject here with this - I try not to be rude to anyone that would take the time and energy to say hello...except for those occasions where they are beyond offensive to my senses!

Him: Well good morning to you...its not so bad here today is it...I'm Rxxxxx
Me: Good morning...nope not bad at all. I'm Amanda. Where are you located?

• I asked this of him because his profile says he's in Oregon. He's way too far away from me.

Him: I'm here in Fresno loading for now...then I take this juice to Fontana and straight back k up here...my phone services are from Oregon but I spend a majority of my time here in California...glad to meet you Amanda.

• So now I have basically already concluded that this will be going no further. I am not looking to find someone that isn't local. I don't want a once a week/month kind of relationship.

Me: Nice to meet you as well. It's nice in the morning but it's going to get hot later. Oregon is beautiful.

•  See...I'm already being too damn nice! I should have nipped this one in the bud but nooooo I'm accommodating this conversation way beyond where it should go!

Him: I got tired of living and being alone so I give up my apartment and decided to do this...can't tell you how many times I've spent days in Visalia at the target...I'm sure you know where that is

•  First, I am assuming he meant that he was tired of living alone and not just that he was tired of living! Also, creepy to think that the next time I go to Target this guy could be there spending his days!

 Me: Yep. I do. Visalia isn't that big.
Him: No it's not...you still single on this site...

• The conversation changes are coming too quickly for me...it's starting to get on my nerves!

Me: I am. Do you run across many women on here that aren't single? (ugh! why do I encourage conversation?)
Him: I don't get many looking at my profile...i always have to Search nd notify...and haven't met any but I'm sure there are some that like men as well aren't so up front and honest...and bye the way I'll be headed back that way...are you a coffee drinker

• Hello...non sequitur anyone? And...thanks for the warning that you're 'headed back that way'! I'll be sure to avoid Target!

Me: (time to break it down now!) I do drink coffee, typically only in the morning. I get a lot looking at my profile just none really meeting my needs. It's ok though, I just keep looking.

•  Personally I think that was obvious enough to say and you aren't one of those that met my needs move on...but noooooo! He's about to enlighten me!

Him: Needs are what...people have to understand looking and searching is always going to be hard if they are too set in their ways...I drive a truck but I'm not part of the stereo typing that I get a lot of.

• Allow me to translate... I believe he's saying if you're too set in your ways you're going to have a hard time finding someone new. And I think he's saying that people have stereotypes about truck drivers but that's not him.

Me: (now I'm a bit more irked because I don't like being told what I do and don't want/need etc - I know me better than anyone else!) I'm ok with my needs. My daughter is my first priority so if someone doesn't meed a certain standard they can't be brought into my life. It's really that simple. (i.e. Fuck you and fuck off!)
Him: That's the way its suppose to be...i have boys...have to accept the kids more then the woman lol...

• I don't fucking know what his response means!

Me: Makes sense :) (yeah so that was a lie, but really me saying Shut the fuck up would just be rude!)
Him: (and begin creepy now...)I see you live in an apartment...at least from the pictures...what you doing today...let me guess shopping and anything but working...lol

• How do you spell it...C R E E P Y!!!
• The line about shopping made me want to choke the fucking life out of him. What kind of prick asshole says something so condescending like that?? AND to use poor grammar to do so!!

Me: I don't live in an apartment and I am working today.
Him: Sorry they look like apartments...I was trying to be observative...which a lady should like..its being taken notice of... lol

• Listen...I can only tolerate so much chauvinism. I am unable at this point to tell if his intent is to sound like a total fucking douche or if he's just an oblivious little man when it comes to women. I should be thrilled that he was observative about where he thinks I live? I suppose that if he just showed up at my door I should welcome him in too because well he did take time out of his days at Target to visit me.

Me: Those are apartments they're just across the street, not mine. (Hello - it's obvious in the pictures that there's a road in between me and the apartments!)
Him: I bet you haven't even looked at my pics...have you...lol (are we playing a game? ugh why didn't I end this conversation before it started!)
Me: I looked at your entire profile. I'm sorry but I have a meeting starting and I have to focus. (only slightly less direct than I should have been at the get go!)
Him: OK...have fun...if your interested chat back when you have time...be good and always smile (fuck off!)
Him: Would you like my number (fuck no!)
Me: No, but thank you.

And END SCENE!

Are you serious with your craziness? Note to self...when you see crazy coming, cut that shit off immediately!

So, now I'm racist?

I'm not 100% sure how that works...I say no thank you and his immediate response is to label it because of his skin color.

Conversation is as follows:

Him: Hi my name is XXXXXX I like to get to know you better and take you on a take let me know.
Me: I appreciate the offer but I will have to decline. Thank you.
Him: Whiy (sic) cause I am black

Clearly I did not respond further but come on...that's the go to? No the reason I CHOOSE to decline your offer is that I don't feel we would be a good match. What's my reasoning (not that I EVER need one)? Well let's take a peek at his profile and identify the items in the 'No' column.

No
He's 48. I am not like other women that find much older men attractive. I am not looking to hook up with someone 13 years older than me.
He's a Baptist...it's not the Baptist part, it's the religion part - I'm out!
His horrible grammar, spelling and egregious use of the caps lock in his profile.

1. I LIKE TO TRAVEL AND ENJOY LIFE 2. AND LIKE TO GO FISH AND TO THE MOVIE 3. I LIKE TO LISTEN TO R N B MUSIC AND FIND ME A WIFE 4. I AM EASY TO GET ALONE WITH LIKE TO HAVE FUN TOO 5. MY GOAL IS TO BE HAPPY AND ENJOY LIFE.

I LIKE TO TAKE U TO A NICE DINNER AND TALK AND GO DANCE

The only positive things I got from his profile were that he likes to make lists (regardless that it's a poorly created list) and he wants to be happy & enjoy life. I'm sorry but these positives aren't enough to warrant further attention from me... call me picky but if my mind shuts down while reading a small paragraph about you, there's something between us that just won't work. Seriously though, who can resist "FIND ME A WIFE"? I can!

So no sir, it has nothing to do with you being black, white or alien...it has to do with my inability to intentionally suffer!