The 4th Date

The following is a guest posting by { Sabine }.


After one good lunch date and two great dinner dates with a guy I agreed to a movie night over at his place.
The night started out right. He let me pick out the movie, made sure I was comfortable and was nothing but sweet and considerate. As soon as we settled in and started the movie his phone rang. It was his ex calling and he said it was about time to say goodnight to his son, no problem. He took the call and came back a few minutes later. I asked how his son was and before he could answer his phone went off again. It was his ex. Her picture and name showed up on his phone, he didn't try to hide it or anything, hit decline and we went on watching the movie. Then it rang again, and again, and again. He excused himself and took the next call in the kitchen. Roughly 5 minutes later he came back and said "sorry, hopefully she won't call back". I say "no problem, do you need to turn your phone off?", just a tad bit annoyed at this point. He says no and we continue to watch the movie.

Within 2 minutes his phone goes off again. He hits decline several more times then decides to take one of the incessant calls and gives me the shush sign. I hear her yelling, can't make out what she is saying but he keeps repeating "who would be over here?, why would you even say that?". I look at him like he has just lost his mind, get up and use the restroom. When I get back he doesn't get a second to try and apologize before the phone rings again. He answers his phone and says "hold on a sec" to the "ex" that was calling yet again and turned to me to say "can you grab your purse and coat and go in the kitchen? She just Facetimed me, I am going to show her the room, she doesn't believe I am alone". Now, I would love to say I said "sure, no problem" with a big smile on my face and then said quite loudly "when are you coming back to bed baby" as I walked out the door and he continued his call...but the reality is I had a dumbfounded look on my face, said nothing, grabbed my things off the chair next to the couch and walked through the kitchen and out the side door. I got into my car and drove home trying to figure out WTF just happened.
Yes, he called a few minutes later and sent texts asking where I went...decline, decline. Ignore, Ignore.

{Sabine}

I'm bored so you must call me!

Verbatim conversation from tonight:

Him: Hello
Me: Hello there
Him: How are you tonight
Me: Quite well. How are you?
Him: Great thanks
Me: :)
Him: Wat r you up to tonight
Me: Well, it's kind of late so I'm in bed watching TV. You?
Him: same. Bored. I live in Visalia too.
Me: Yeah I really like it here.
Him: I am bored
Me: Ok
Him: Call me 559 xxx-xxxx
Me: Thank you but no
Him: Fine be bored

Really? This is the absolute first time I've ever said anything to this person and in less than 5 minutes he's giving me his number to call him?? Lunacy!

And what's with the 'fine be bored' crap?!

Totally based on feedback...

I've been seeing comments about always finding the worst men and that I sound like I hate men. I wanted to say I hear what you're saying and I think a bit more information is in order to show the entire picture.

I do not hate men. What I hate is lazy, obnoxious, arrogant or lame jerks. Those are the ones I choose to profile on this blog because it's way more interesting than the calm quiet times I have with someone funny at Applebee's (yes, that actually happened and I had a marvelous time and I still enjoy this person today). I love men. I enjoy the conversations I've had, any intimate contact I've had. I've learned a lot about being a woman, about being an adult, about being a friend, about being sexual from some really fantastic men.

I've been able to learn so much about myself in the past 5 years of being single all thanks to my own determination and some amazing guys I've met along the way. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm thriving in my 30s because of it.

With that said, I do come across men that need serious help in life, love and overall as a human. Granted I never once thought my blog would be able to help these men directly but I kind of felt if I got that vibe into the universe it would eventually trickle to those that need it the most. So while they come off has really bad folks, they really just need help and this is the only way I can think of to get them the help they need. Really altruistic right? At the base of the blog, that's what I hope for, but of course my sarcasm takes over and I really just let it out there!

So that's it for tonight, I just wanted to make sure people knew that yes, I've met some incredible men and yes I love men. I just profile the looniest of the ones I come across.

Get YOUR life in order BEFORE you try to engage MY life!

Recently I've met a few interesting people through my online dating escapades. (Escapades? Not sure why I chose that term, it makes me feel as though I should have on ice skates!)

Two of the people I've met had common threads -- multiple children and a crazy ex! I do not have a problem dating someone that has kids as long as they're a responsible parent that has focus on their kids. I actually quite like that. I don't even mind if their ex is crazy. It starts to derail when your ex still plays an active role in your life in a capacity unrelated to the children you share.

Case in point: I recently started talking to someone that seemed interesting in the beginning but the more I talked to him the more I could see the impending doom from his ex.

1. He was very insecure in conversation and stated that his ex used to hit him and tell him he was worthless. I can be a very motivating person but I don't think I'm capable of rebuilding the self esteem of a grown man. He also has severe self esteem issues when it comes to his appearance. If you can't see it in yourself then it's not likely someone else will be able to see it for you!
2. He said that his ex was a "crack whore". Yes, those are his exact words. He told me that he has 3 children and the youngest was 9 months old. He said that she had the baby after they separated and that it was likely a child by her drug dealer. I know what you're thinking, Amanda this is a MASSIVE red flag and you should have ran at that moment. Here is my logic...I thought well perhaps he's just taking total responsibility for keeping all of the siblings together and since she has no parental control it's OK because she can't be bothersome! See...that's extremely logical!

OK can you see where this is leading? This next part REALLY triggered the holy hell signal for me.
I got a text from him that said "Did you talk to my ex today?" ...after literally laughing out loud, I replied with, why the hell would I? He asked me if I got phone calls from an Unknown or Blocked number. Well yes I did, 4 of them, back to back earlier in the day. He proceeded to tell me that his ex broke into his house, got his phone and started interrogating him about who he was talking to, his online dating profile, she got my number and then started calling him and harassing him at work. And there you have it...she's CRAZY and she's got too much involvement in his life.

After he told me about all this drama, he asked when we'd be able to meet. *Do What Now?* I told him that I wasn't about to give him any other identifiers that his ex could possibly get her mitts on! The last thing I need is some loony chick breaking into my house or coming near my child.

Thankfully he understood where I was coming from on this topic because he actually told me he was going to cut off conversation with me so that she wouldn't be able to get near me.

Clearly the lesson is, if your ex is crazy and all up in your life then you're not actually free to be with other people. Get your shit in order before you involve other folks!

First Date Nightmares...

I am sure that practically everyone out there has had a first date at some point in their life. I'm looking for people to share their first date nightmares. I will start with my own.

I met someone online (of course) and everything about him screamed that he was a sad person. His profile was so depressing, but talking to him it was quite obvious that he was quite the opposite. So I went to his house to pick him up for the date. Ordinarily you'd think that would be part of the nightmare, but I am a woman of the 21st century, to me there's no rules about that sort of thing. The nightmare began when I showed up on his doorstep... allow me to paint this picture:
His jeans were dirty, dark denim and they were way too long for him so the edges were tattered around his feet due to him dragging them on the ground when he walked. He had no shoes on. His shirt was dirty. He was sweating profusely. There was an overflowing ashtray at the doorstep. (It belonged to his mother!) There was an overwhelming stench coming from inside the house...the overwhelming smell of urine! As I stepped into the house (don't ask me why) he said to me, watch out there's bananas smashed into the carpet. The house was totally dark except for the TV so I couldn't see a banana if I tried. Let's just say I lied through my damn teeth, turned around and walked out! Good times!

So now it's your turn...share your nightmares! If you care to remain anonymous feel free to message me your story and I will share it for you.

Enjoy!

See that line right there...you just crossed it!

The following is the evolution of a conversation I had this morning with, I guess, a potential suitor. Well, at the time it was potential but it soured really quickly. And really thinking back on the conversation, 'potential' was used generously. What I have also been able to confirm is that being direct with someone really is the ONLY way to go...beating around the bush is ridiculous!

Here is the back ground... I have an app on my phone that makes my status on the site appear that I am 'online' even if I am not.

The conversation was as follows (verbatim):

Him: Hello..why you up so late..Rxxxxx (12:07 am)
Me: Nope not up late...the app on my phone was the one awake. :) (8:27 am)

• Allow me to interject here with this - I try not to be rude to anyone that would take the time and energy to say hello...except for those occasions where they are beyond offensive to my senses!

Him: Well good morning to you...its not so bad here today is it...I'm Rxxxxx
Me: Good morning...nope not bad at all. I'm Amanda. Where are you located?

• I asked this of him because his profile says he's in Oregon. He's way too far away from me.

Him: I'm here in Fresno loading for now...then I take this juice to Fontana and straight back k up here...my phone services are from Oregon but I spend a majority of my time here in California...glad to meet you Amanda.

• So now I have basically already concluded that this will be going no further. I am not looking to find someone that isn't local. I don't want a once a week/month kind of relationship.

Me: Nice to meet you as well. It's nice in the morning but it's going to get hot later. Oregon is beautiful.

•  See...I'm already being too damn nice! I should have nipped this one in the bud but nooooo I'm accommodating this conversation way beyond where it should go!

Him: I got tired of living and being alone so I give up my apartment and decided to do this...can't tell you how many times I've spent days in Visalia at the target...I'm sure you know where that is

•  First, I am assuming he meant that he was tired of living alone and not just that he was tired of living! Also, creepy to think that the next time I go to Target this guy could be there spending his days!

 Me: Yep. I do. Visalia isn't that big.
Him: No it's not...you still single on this site...

• The conversation changes are coming too quickly for me...it's starting to get on my nerves!

Me: I am. Do you run across many women on here that aren't single? (ugh! why do I encourage conversation?)
Him: I don't get many looking at my profile...i always have to Search nd notify...and haven't met any but I'm sure there are some that like men as well aren't so up front and honest...and bye the way I'll be headed back that way...are you a coffee drinker

• Hello...non sequitur anyone? And...thanks for the warning that you're 'headed back that way'! I'll be sure to avoid Target!

Me: (time to break it down now!) I do drink coffee, typically only in the morning. I get a lot looking at my profile just none really meeting my needs. It's ok though, I just keep looking.

•  Personally I think that was obvious enough to say and you aren't one of those that met my needs move on...but noooooo! He's about to enlighten me!

Him: Needs are what...people have to understand looking and searching is always going to be hard if they are too set in their ways...I drive a truck but I'm not part of the stereo typing that I get a lot of.

• Allow me to translate... I believe he's saying if you're too set in your ways you're going to have a hard time finding someone new. And I think he's saying that people have stereotypes about truck drivers but that's not him.

Me: (now I'm a bit more irked because I don't like being told what I do and don't want/need etc - I know me better than anyone else!) I'm ok with my needs. My daughter is my first priority so if someone doesn't meed a certain standard they can't be brought into my life. It's really that simple. (i.e. Fuck you and fuck off!)
Him: That's the way its suppose to be...i have boys...have to accept the kids more then the woman lol...

• I don't fucking know what his response means!

Me: Makes sense :) (yeah so that was a lie, but really me saying Shut the fuck up would just be rude!)
Him: (and begin creepy now...)I see you live in an apartment...at least from the pictures...what you doing today...let me guess shopping and anything but working...lol

• How do you spell it...C R E E P Y!!!
• The line about shopping made me want to choke the fucking life out of him. What kind of prick asshole says something so condescending like that?? AND to use poor grammar to do so!!

Me: I don't live in an apartment and I am working today.
Him: Sorry they look like apartments...I was trying to be observative...which a lady should like..its being taken notice of... lol

• Listen...I can only tolerate so much chauvinism. I am unable at this point to tell if his intent is to sound like a total fucking douche or if he's just an oblivious little man when it comes to women. I should be thrilled that he was observative about where he thinks I live? I suppose that if he just showed up at my door I should welcome him in too because well he did take time out of his days at Target to visit me.

Me: Those are apartments they're just across the street, not mine. (Hello - it's obvious in the pictures that there's a road in between me and the apartments!)
Him: I bet you haven't even looked at my pics...have you...lol (are we playing a game? ugh why didn't I end this conversation before it started!)
Me: I looked at your entire profile. I'm sorry but I have a meeting starting and I have to focus. (only slightly less direct than I should have been at the get go!)
Him: OK...have fun...if your interested chat back when you have time...be good and always smile (fuck off!)
Him: Would you like my number (fuck no!)
Me: No, but thank you.

And END SCENE!

Are you serious with your craziness? Note to self...when you see crazy coming, cut that shit off immediately!

So, now I'm racist?

I'm not 100% sure how that works...I say no thank you and his immediate response is to label it because of his skin color.

Conversation is as follows:

Him: Hi my name is XXXXXX I like to get to know you better and take you on a take let me know.
Me: I appreciate the offer but I will have to decline. Thank you.
Him: Whiy (sic) cause I am black

Clearly I did not respond further but come on...that's the go to? No the reason I CHOOSE to decline your offer is that I don't feel we would be a good match. What's my reasoning (not that I EVER need one)? Well let's take a peek at his profile and identify the items in the 'No' column.

No
He's 48. I am not like other women that find much older men attractive. I am not looking to hook up with someone 13 years older than me.
He's a Baptist...it's not the Baptist part, it's the religion part - I'm out!
His horrible grammar, spelling and egregious use of the caps lock in his profile.

1. I LIKE TO TRAVEL AND ENJOY LIFE 2. AND LIKE TO GO FISH AND TO THE MOVIE 3. I LIKE TO LISTEN TO R N B MUSIC AND FIND ME A WIFE 4. I AM EASY TO GET ALONE WITH LIKE TO HAVE FUN TOO 5. MY GOAL IS TO BE HAPPY AND ENJOY LIFE.

I LIKE TO TAKE U TO A NICE DINNER AND TALK AND GO DANCE

The only positive things I got from his profile were that he likes to make lists (regardless that it's a poorly created list) and he wants to be happy & enjoy life. I'm sorry but these positives aren't enough to warrant further attention from me... call me picky but if my mind shuts down while reading a small paragraph about you, there's something between us that just won't work. Seriously though, who can resist "FIND ME A WIFE"? I can!

So no sir, it has nothing to do with you being black, white or alien...it has to do with my inability to intentionally suffer!

The lying liar who lies!

As I write this I am in the midst of ditching this lying liar who lies and below I will tell you why...

So he seems nice enough. Self described as a Southern gentleman, come on who doesn't like a gentleman Southern or not! After nearly two weeks of texting and talking on the phone we finally meet. He ended up leaving his phone at my house one day and I checked his texts (more on why later). What did I come across? Text messages between him and his "ex". The topic of the text messages were sexual, including pictures and plans for hooking up...OH and the text messages happened during the time we were having our own texting conversations and making plans to meet up. Some of the messages with his "ex" even included her questioning him about what he was telling the new women he was meeting about whether he was divorced or not... yeah that's right, he's NOT divorced as he says he is, he's separated and by separated apparently based on these text messages not separated very by very much! In one particular text they had a discussion of her coming over to his house for a hook up (a very graphic description was included)...the day of their planned hook up he told me "the ex is coming over to drop off her dogs so that I can watch them while she's out of town, but she won't be here very long" (the little snippet there at the end is the first red flag that popped up). In addition to the texts with his "ex" he also mentioned her visit with him to his father (stay classy!)

So I thought about what I had read and I was sick to my stomach all morning. Then I asked him a few questions...
Me: when was your divorce finalized? (remember he says he's divorced)
Him: It's not final yet but it will be soon (Lie).

Me: when was the last time you were with your "ex"? (told me he was divorced almost a year ago)
Him: sexually? it's been months (LIE)...

Him: Baby (ugh!) where are all these questions coming from?
Me: Seems odd to me that after 12 years of marriage you're so quick to be done and moved on (he's already told me he loves me *shudder*)
Me:  What I am saying is that if you're with me, then you're not with anyone else.
Him: Baby. I am yours. I am completely and totally yours. I have not and will not be with anyone other than you.  I assume I will recieve the same level of devotion? (WTF? Who says that?) Baby (grr) I was checked out of the marriage for a while now, for the first time in my life, I'm ready to live my life fully (Lying Liar Who LIES!) Baby (internal vomit!) "Just have faith in me that when I show/tell you how you make me feel, that it is genuine. Frivolity and asskissing aren't really things that I value very highly. When I tell you I love you... its because I feel it and I want to say it. If i tell you that I think you are amazingly beautiful, believe it because I would not lie. <3" (LIES LIES LIES)
Me: Because if you lie to me...I won't even bother cutting you, it's just over. I don't go back!
Him: I don't lie. (OBVIOUSLY a lie!)
Me: I have a fabulous BS meter...I can tell when people are lying. (Notice how many fucking times I give this moron a chance to come clean??)
Him:  My integrity is paramount to me! (Fuck You!)

So men, the moral of the story is..don't fucking lie, 9 times out of 10 it's usually worse than what you're lying about!

Back to the part where I was going to explain why I was looking at his phone. He told me 2 things that gave me red flags nearly instantaneously! 1. When he told me the "ex" was coming over he said (unprompted) she's not staying long. (Um?) 2. When he sent me an IM asking me to turn his phone off so it won't "bother me" while I am working because it rings a lot. All sounds so deceptive!

This was a dating fail ....perhaps there will be a win some time soon?

Telling it like it is...

It's not common that I find a dating profile that stands out with content. Typically men say the same thing over and over again (and yes I am sure women do the same thing). Tonight however I came across a profile that really knocked my socks off...not because the guy was something incredible, far from it, it was because the guy was about as out there as you can be...I am going to post his profile verbatim, you've been warned! ID: maximuswarmack4523 Headline: "isn't a Pimp Mr Right for a Hooker" (yes, that's actually what it said) Profession: Counselor/Teacher About Me: "I am a Polygamist, as most men are, the only difference is that I am Completely Honest, the only people I lie to are my Parents and the police, lying makes me feel like a coward... (I am not sure how he's justified his contradiction here) I am the type of guy that will hold the door for any woman, regardless of age or attractiveness. I am rather dominating, but real low key unless I'm in the comfort of family and close friends...I am well read, intelligent and can speak with business associates in a meeting room or in an alley counseling thugs in their venacular...I am well rounded being from the streets but educated, hard working and quite sincere. I don't do the jiving with anyone. I love people, animals and especially children. I'm generally positive and outgoing but have NO problem putting someone in their place. I come from a poor background but do not consider myself one of the 99 percent. I am opening my own business, writing a book and coaching high school sports. I can cook and clean as well as any woman, but am all man, believe in taking care of those that take care of me, making it a mutually beneficial thing has enhanced all of my relationships which have been maintained from my early youth to today. I don't lose real friends and am mostly corial with most of my exes and there are a lot of them. I don't have time for negative people, especially women. I love beautiful eyes, smiles and outgoing personalities. I love to laugh and can usually find humor at a funeral. I love God and people who fear and believe in him... I declared myself a polygamist over 15 years ago and have exclusively dated bisexual women for the past 15 years. I have dated women of all races, ethnicities, socio-economis status, political and religious backgrounds. I do love dark hair, legs and pretty feet. I don't like a bunch of make-up. I love natural beauty. My fiance pictured is bisexual female who lived as a lesbian for over 10 years, this is my first committed relationship and I would never cheat so don't ask. We are now engaged and expecting a baby in a few months, we seek someone to start off as friends first to see if a chemistry can be built, we are not looking for anything casual...I have had enough sex to last several men, several lifetimes and am only seeking a sincere relationship, not looking to be one of your side shows. so no married, involved or engaged women looking to play out a fantasy." Anyone else confused by this ENTIRE profile and all it's contradictions!? He lives in San Jose so parents be aware!!!

Attack of the texting dater...

Men, please be serious when you write a dating profile. Grammar and spelling don't have to be perfect (who remembers all of the rules anyway) but come on let's try to get it as close as humanly possible. Don't replace letters with numbers and don't type using text speak. It only serves to make you look unintelligent!

Below is an example I came across tonight:

i like 2 g02 m0vies, play cards, read b00ks, hang 0ut with family and friends. i like all kinds of music. i want a lady that d0sent cheat i hate 2 be cheated 0n i d0nt cheat. i like 2 g0 hiking, play in the 0cean. i want a lady that likes 2 have and g0 0ut 0r likes 2 have a quit eveing at h0me.

There’s direct and then there’s ‘smack you in the face’! (NSFW)

There’s direct and then there’s ‘smack you in the face’! (NSFW)

Often times I get very direct men contacting me, sometimes I get passive men and then there are the times when I get ‘smack you in the face direct’ men!

Case in point, today I was contacted by “Muffdiver6988” (I will have to do another post on the ID’s these men choose another time!). These are the messages Mr. Muffdiver has sent to me – I have not responded to any of them! (Of course the spelling and grammar mistakes are all his!):

• Day 1 “Good morning gorgious would yoy like to chat I love a woman with meat on her bones more fir me to snuggle and cuddle with if you would like to chat let me know”
• Day 2 (the very next day) “Would you like to chat and get to know each other to see how it goes”
• Day 3 (3 days later) “Hello sexy goddess would you like to chat and,see how it goes”

So you’re probably thinking that he’s just trying to be nice and maybe he is really trying to get to know you. Typically the grammar and spelling would make me run, but in his case it’s not too bad, compared to what I normally see. What really makes me cringe is his profile … let’s get into it shall we?

His reason for being on this dating site: Intimate Encounter (strike 1!)

His interests: friends with benefits then maybe sex sex sex (strike 2!)

His description of himself and what he likes: “my hobbies are any thing out doors sports, i also love older women and bbw I also enjoy giveing sensual full body massages. 5ft 7 shaved bald head 15 tats both nipples peirced 2 rings in each ear i really love eating women out too if interested i would love to hear from all you sexy women” … And there you have it! Strike 3, you’re out! 

Men, what is wrong with you? Why do you present yourself like this? Women, generally, don’t like to be slapped in the face with raunchiness! Now if you’re in a relationship with a woman and you’re discussing mutual desires, by all means, lay out your wishes. But not in the very first paragraph that is introducing you to a woman. I’d like to add, don’t write your profile as though you’re talking to multiple women, and write it as though you’re only talking to one. It gives the impression that you’re just out there to get whatever comes along … which I suppose in this example, he probably is!

Persistence in the face of rejection …

I am sure you’ve probably come across people in your life who are persistent. In the dating world this can be kind of a scary prospect. They’ve seen your photo and know basic information about you but they don’t take no for an answer. Thankfully I’ve only come across one person like this … he is annoyingly persistent and I am most forthcoming with my harsh rejection, but he still keeps coming!

First, he has the most dreaded of profiles: He’s married and he’s only looking for an ‘intimate encounter’ … he wants to cheat on his wife. Every month or so he sends me a message and it’s worded as though he’s contacting me for the very first time. He usually starts with … “Hi, my name is Ken and I am looking for a lover.” Then he usually tosses in a gem like, “Would you like to meet today for some iced tea or perhaps some love making?” Well, I am so thankful I have the options!!

The first time he messaged me I ignored him, after vomiting a bit in my mouth! Then he sent another the next week, something equally as gross. Finally I started responding to him with comments that were as harsh as I could muster for a stranger; “Why can’t you leave me alone?” and “How do you not realize you keep sending me the same messages?” It’s been quiet for almost a month now…he’s probably due to message me again any day now! 

Persistence in the face of obvious rejection is my least favorite encounter while online dating!

-Nameless Online Dater

The beginning...

I've officially been single since 2007. In 2010 I decided that since I rarely get out I will try online dating sites to meet men. In 2012 I decided I should blog about it. I have two main reasons for beginning this blog. First, it's stunning to see the things that men say to women they don't know. You would think that with the space to type something out and it not being a face to face connection they would be able to come with better material but they don't. Second, men need serious help when presenting themselves in their online profile. The poor grammar and spelling are only the beginning of the mess! Example: "Hi im a reguler man who loves to pay attention to you, i give 110% to our relatioship just want to meet someone the only gd thing is my eye color"

So that is where I stand today...I hope to post weekly or at the very least whenever I spot anything crazy.

Stay tuned!